The Four Pillars of Habit Building Series: Pillar No 4!

Good Morning Everyone,

I hope your Monday morning has been manic-free so far. I don't know about you but I was less than happy this morning when my partner kicked me out of bed as he left for work at 5.30am!

Things brings me onto the subject of our final pillar of habit building, Accountability. If you have been reading through this little mini-series so far then you know that  I have been posting about what I learned from the 4 Pillars of Habit Building that happiness queen, Gretchen Rubin,  identifies in her book: Better Than Before. If you've missed the other posts then you can find them all on the homepage. While they don't need to be read in order, one pillar will not keep a habit (or anything else) standing so I do recommend you check out all four and put them into practice together.

Right then. Accountability. I can hear the groans coming in already. Why is it, I wonder, that we are often so reluctant to tell others we are making a positive change to our lifestyle? My theory is that we have been conditioned to fear criticism and failure, when in fact both our powerful motivational tools. I will give you an example. I have been trying to implement a 5.30 wake up time for a few weeks now and while I still stay in bed too long until about 6am before rising, having my partner get up at 5.30 helps enormously. If he didn't agree to make an effort to wake me like I asked, I would continue to ignore my alarms until 6 or maybe even 6.30 and then wouldn't rise until 6.30 or 7am.

While I think it will take me a while before I naturally become a dawnbird, without this accountability I would have given up long ago, instead I am making progress. Each morning my partner wakes me I go to bed earlier and get closer to my goal.

You don't have to use a person for accountability, though they are in my opinion the most effective as we don't like to tell other people we haven't met their expectations. You could use an app, a diary or something else that fits with your habit.

However, if you do choose a person to hold you accountable, make sure you pick the right person. They need to be self-aware, supportive and compassionate and not make you feel bad on days you have slips. For example, if you are trying to lose weight, having someone close to you demand to know what you ate each day and whether or not you've been to the gym is not only going to not help you or make you feel good about yourself in any sense, it is also a quick path to obsessive and toxic interactions which nobody should have to deal with.

Make sure that whoever or whatever you choose to hold yourself accountable can do it without putting you down or making you feel bad about yourself. We all have slip days, even Gwyneth Paltrow admits to eating chocolate when she is stressed! Forgive yourself, be your own best friend and then try again.

The other thing I found with accountability is that it keeps expectations realistic, this is why people on diets are advised not to weigh themselves everyday but only once a week. If we are our only accountable to ourselves it is easy not only to create endless excuses but also to have unrealistic expectations and give up when they are not reached. Having a person or piece of technology to motivate you and create an identifiable streak of progression is much more likely to help you succeed in whatever it is you want to change.

And that brings us to the end of the Four Pillars of Habits, I hope you enjoyed reading this mini-series as much as I enjoyed writing it. To recap, habit formation succeeds when we have the right Foundation, are consistent in Monitering ourselves, create aids to our brains through Scheduling and have Accountability. 

Let me know in the comments if you found this series useful. I love to hear about your experiences and requests for future posts.

As always I hope you have a happy, healthy and productive week and I will see you soon.

The Crucial Difference Between Your Extrinsic and Intrinsic Value and Why It's So Important

Hello everyone. 

This post is about a concept that seriously changed not only the way I viewed the world but also myself. 

You may not have heard the words Extrinsic or Intrinsic before and thats fine, I hadn't either until recently. Both are terms often used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (A form of psychological talking therapy) and Positive Psychology (also sometimes called the psychology of happiness or well-being psychology). 

So what does all this mean?

Well, I talk a lot about the importance of knowing your worth and value so that you can apply your strengths strategically to your goals. But what a lot of people don't realise is that HOW you view your value is of critical importance!

Extrinsic Value is the value you assign to yourself based on external factors or when you believe yourself to be valuable based on something outside of yourself. Some of the common things people with an extrinsic sense of value may be concerned with is needing to be liked by everyone or feeling they need to earn a certain amount of money or look a certain way in order to have value.

Meanwhile, Intrinsic value is the value you apply to yourself internally. 

These concepts have long been around in business and philosophy but have recently been gaining a lot of traction in the fields of Positive Psychology, Developmental Psychology and Personal Development and Well-being in relation to human being's personal values and sense of self-worth. 

Most of the research points to the fact that we develop these senses of value subconsciously in our youth. The Centre of Positive Psychology at Warwick University recently conducted a study on Children's Extrinsic and Intrinsic Value's and the implications on well-being. The full, unpublished manuscript can be read here: http://www.pprc.gg/uploads/intrinsic.pdf

Why is this so important?

Unfortunately, the vast majority of people have been found to allow the way they see their value  to be determined by extrinsic factors such as their financial worth, physical image, relationship status, the way their colleagues, peers or families treat them, what they believe other people think of them and what they see in mainstream media and society. 

Those who judge their self-worth on extrinsic factors are more likely to:

• Try to please and seek validation from others instead of going after their own goals
• Have low self-esteem and compare themselves negatively to others leading to a decrease in their well-being
• Be more vulnerable to conditions such as eating disorders and body dysmorphia
• Tolerate toxic and even abusive relationships
• Internalise negative labels which the brain then reinforces subconsciously
• Have higher levels of chronic anxiety, depression and social anxiety
• Report a lack of satisfaction and fulfilment in their daily lives
• Lack the confidence to take risks and make original contributions in their careers

Those with an Intrinsic sense of self-worth on the other hand have developed a mindset whereby they know the value of their inner self for their own sake and do not require the same level of external validation. People with an intrinsic sense of self-worth have been found to generally:

• Have higher level's of self-belief and take control in their lives
• Be confident in themselves without needing external validation from others
• Be more resilient and have better mental and physical health
• Not internalise what other people think of them
• Report higher levels of satisfaction and happiness in their daily lives
• Know their strengths and where to apply them strategically
• Have higher levels of motivation 
• Be more likely to take risks and contribute original ideas in the workplace
• Make more money (dependant on their chosen field)

While analysing ourselves and our values may take some brutal honesty and self-discovery (admitting how much we really care about other people's opinions or our number of followers on social media may make us feel insecure or silly), it has been shown to be an important part of achieving a self-actualised mentality and success mindset. If we are not honest enough with ourselves in accepting how much extrinsic factors mean to us, it is highly unlikely we will be able to break these habits and cultivate the intrinsic values that we seek. 

How Gratitude Will Improve Your Mindset For Change + 10 Exercises To Get You Started

Hello beautiful people!

Today I want to talk about a very simple concept but one that the majority of us forget to invoke in our day-to-day lives. If, like me, you are a personal development junkie then you have probably heard about the growing trend in gratitude journaling. 

So What Is Gratitude Journaling?

A gratitude journal is a free and easy way to improve your mindset and give yourself a perspective overhaul. You don't need to go out and buy a fancy journal to do so, you can do this in any notebook, smartphone or even on scrap paper. It is also something I find invaluable to take stock of before I begin any change in my habits.

The concept is simple. Take ten to fifteen minutes a day to think about the things in life you are grateful for. You may choose to note down anything from important relationships to the sun shining that day (or whatever weather makes you happy!). 

Gratitude journalling reminds us that even though we may have sources of stress or struggles going on in our daily lives (If you say you don't you are either a liar or a superhero and I need some of that power!). Furthermore, gratitude is one of the habits practised by some of the most successful people in the world including:

• Oprah Winfrey
• Tim Ferris
• Richard Branson
• and
• Paul DeJoria

It is also proven to:

• Make you physically and mentally healthier by decreasing levels of cortisol (the stress hormone)
• Improve Happiness
• Improve your relationships and social skills by increasing your empathy towards others
• Give you greater sleep quality
• Raise self-esteem
• Increase mental strength and resilience
• Reduce feelings of anger and aggression
• Give you Motivation to change

And the best part is ANYONE can do it,starting right now!

So now that we've established how gratitude can help you live a better life, here are some exercises to get you started from the serious to the downright silly, we have many aspects of life to be grateful for?

1.  What relationships do you have in your life that you are grateful for and how do these people add to your life?

2. What opportunities have you had that other's in the world would not have access to? Why are you grateful for these and how have they improved your life?

3. What parts of your job/work environment are you grateful for? Even if you're not a fan of your daily grind right now, you can still be grateful for good relationships with colleagues, development opportunities or flexibility, it might even be something as simple as having an inside office when it rains!

4. What part of your morning routine are you grateful for? Do you have a significant other to kiss goodbye as you leave for work? Maybe you have time to walk your dog or have a cup of tea in peace and cuddles with your children or pets before your day begins?

5. Think of someone who has done something to make your life easier or improve your day recently? How could you thank them?

6. What hobbies or pleasures do you have in your life? Why are you grateful to have the time to pursue them?

7. What elements of nature are you grateful for? Maybe you're like me and the warm glow of sunshine gets you out of bed in the morning? Or maybe you find the sound of rain or the site of snow relaxing?

8. What materialistic items could you not live with out? Why are you grateful to have them in your life?

9. What songs/ books/ podcasts/ movies or you-tube videos make you feel good? Think about why you are grateful to the people behind them.

10. What daily essentials are you grateful to have in your life? For example in the UK we have ample sources of food and water and free healthcare when we need it, this is not the case in many parts of the world. 

So there you have it, ten exercises to hopefully get you started on exercising those gratitude muscles. I hope you have a happy, healthy and productive week and I'll see you soon!